Lindsay Lohan is going to rehab instead

Because as we all know, the criminal justice system is for poor people who can’t use their massive amounts of undeserved money to get out of your coke-fueled car chase, Lindsay Lohan will go to rehab instead of jail. Hey, it worked so well the last time, why not do it again? Chances are the dumbass little prostitute will just spend the entire duration in her room chasing the dragon, but what do I know, right?

We’ve learned the facility is in Southern California. It is not Promises — she’s been there, done that. Lindsay wants to be at a facility that is close so friends and family can visit, but we’re told the facility isn’t bending the rules for LiLo. We’re told it’s a live-in facility and the plan is for Lindsay to stay there until her court hearing next month, and maybe longer. SOURCE

Whatever. We all know that “so friends and family can visit” really just means “so mom Dina can smuggle in Lindsay’s own Easy-Bake Crystal Meth Oven (Ages 6+)” Look, I get it, your parents suck more dick than Trebek’s mother. Guess what: EVERYONE’S PARENTS SUCKED. That does not give you an excuse to snort more cocaine than most people will ever see in their lifetime. Ugh. This is the sort of shit I have to come home to after Folsom? What a rip.

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.