… Get it? Like “Release the Kraken”? Yeah, it’s kind of a stretch. Just go with it. Anyway, after months of treating rehab like a hotel with a fully-stocked mini-bar, Lindsay Lohan has finally been awarded her freedom, she’s done with the Betty Ford Center after ninety days! By which I mean she’s back to having practically no career and two famewhore parents hell-bent on filling her with every controlled substance known to man. LET FREEDOM RING!

Lindsay Lohan has been released from the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, California after a 90-day stint in rehab, has learned. The Mean Girls star, 24, served the rehab stint in connection with her 2007 DUI conviction, as her repeated failures to meet the terms of her probation caused her to serve two stints in rehab — and two in jail — last year. SOURCE

That tiny little *pop* you may have heard in the distance was Lindsay’s parents opening a bottle of champagne in honor of their meal ticket’s rehab release. Thank GOD. I mean really, if she was kept locked up any longer, they would have to get actual jobs. Can you believe it? Jobs! What are they, peasants? Guffaw! Right now, Dina Lohan is using the diamond-encrusted ass-scratcher they bought using the money Michael Lohan earned talking all about Lindsay’s not so immaculate conception.

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.