Charlie Sheen has gone coo-coo for cocaine!

Charlie Sheen

Yeah, remember that trip to the Bahamas Charlie Sheen went on with three clearly suicidal women? Well, it gets better: Charlie gave a clearly coked-out interview in which he … well, he pretty much just went off on fucking everything. I could reprint the entire thing for you here, but instead I’ll just pick out the most, shall we say, ‘representative’ quotes.

On how your life sucks compared to his:

they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’

On kicking ex-wife Brooke Mueller Off His Plane:

And I just gotta add this, there was a whole firestorm about Brooke being a part of our crew… Where there were four, there are now three. Good-bye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you’re going to need it.

On how he pretended his addictions away:

I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself… It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.

On biting the hand that feeds him suitcases full of cocaine:

“I’m tired of being told ‘You can’t talk about that, you can’t talk about that.’ Bull S-H-I-T. There’s something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine — yeah, that’s Chuck’s real name — mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. SOURCE

You can listen to the coke-strung, delusional rantings and ravings of The Knight on the White Pony up there, or you can give $5 to a street junkie and record the results. Your choice. Anyway, in response to Charlie flying off in a jet powered by coke and hookers, production on the remaining episodes of the season have been nixed.

“Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season,” a statement from the studio and network read. SOURCE

Guess who didn’t like hearing about how his $2 million per episode cash cow wasn’t giving milk no more?

What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows … I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. SOURCE

I’m not going to add anything else to this other than this quick little anti-drug PSA: See kids? This is what cocaine does to you. If you do coke, you will spout crazy shit like what you see above, and everyone will make fun of you behind your back because you’re a pathetic, washed-up hack that everyone hates. See? If you really want kids to stay off drugs, just trot out Charlie. Way better than any fucking fried egg commercial you’ll ever see.

Charlie Sheen

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.