Do you want The Situation’s body?

If your answer to this question was anything other than “NO!”, “HELL NO!” or setting yourself on fire and jumping out of a window while screaming, well then good news! The Situation is on the cover of Men’s Fitness this month, which means you can now take diet and exercise tips from the guy who considers Red Bull/Vodka to be a dietary staple. While I could talk about how no one should be taking advice from a guy whose abs look like an inflatable pool toy, I’m just gonna go over all the things wrong with this cover.

#1: Oh my God, it’s Mr. Potato Head! Man, he’s been working out since I sold him at our garage sale. In all seriousness, I just don’t think that calling The Situation a butter-face would quite suffice. Considering his overall demeanor and level of class, he’s probably something more along the lines of an “I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butter-Face”.

#2: Am I the only one weirdly transfixed by this man’s nipples? It’s not a sexual thing or anything, they’re just so… tiny. They’re like little beady eyes staring into my soul … STOP STARING AT ME, NIPPLES!

#3: Could they have gotten him in any more of a stereotypical Guido pose? “Eyyyyyyyy, why I gotta stand like this, huh? Where’s my shirt, yo? Man, I need me another Red Bull and Vodka. YO PAULY! PAULY! RED BULL! PAULY! RED BULL!”

#4: The abs. The abs, the abs, the abs. You do realize that The Situation, for all intents and purposes, has terrible abs, right? There is literally ZERO definition to these things. They actually just look like to kielbasa sausages laid next to each other. Seriously: Even my stomach is more defined than this, and unlike The Sitch, I don’t inject myself with low-grade beaver tranquilizers.

#5: I don’t have “a girl”, but God help me, if I did, I would really hope she would choose me over a walking bag of syphilis.

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.