Doug Hutchison is batsh!t insane

All right, I’m about to share with you a little trade secret: The formula to decide who I do and do not write about. It is rather mathematical, so get ready for numbers and variables:

X = [(Fame/100) + (Blog Appearances/10) + (Lulz/100) + (Desperation for a post over/10)] / 2

Basically, if X is greater than or equal to one, a post will be written. As you can see, if someone isn’t really famous, the amount of lulz that can be extracted from the story, the number of blogs the story is running on or my desperation to find one more post to write about can outweigh the fact that they’re useless nobodies. Which is why I’m making a post about Lost actor Doug Hutchison and his mail-order Russian herp-bride-looking thing, the 16-year-old Courtney Stodden, and how they’re demanding $3 million per interview.

From: Jeremy Baumhower
To: Doug Hutchison
Sent: Fri, Aug 5, 2011 7:11 am
Subject: Radio Tour Request for Courtney

Doug, Krista, Courtney,

My name is Jeremy Baumhower and I am the executive producer of Mass Media Prep, which consists of 660 radio morning shows across the country. We would LOVE to get Courtney, or any combination of you three for a radio tour. A tour is back to back interviews via the phone with the biggest shows in the country. We would ask for 2-3 hours and you would be in front of 10 to 20M people. We would make every show play Courtney’s music and you can promote anything you wish. Please call me when you get this email. Congratulations on your wedding!!



Jeremy Baumhower
Mass Media Prep
Executive Producer and Writer
Professional Booker
419-[redcated] / 419-[redacted]
*Follow me on Twitter @jeremytheproduc

On Aug 5, 2011, at 10:53 AM, Doug Hutchison wrote:

we want 3 million to appear

On Aug 5, 2011 at 10:55 AM, Jeremy Baumhower wrote:

it would be numerous radio shows at 8-9 minutes a hit.. I would love to pay that amount but we do not have any funds. Really trying to help her music career is what my thought was ..


On Aug 5, 2011, at 10:56 AM, Doug Hutchison wrote:

too bad

On Aug 5, 2011 at 11:06 AM, Jeremy Baumhower wrote:


Thanks for responding and considering. I really want to wish you the best of luck and love in your world. I love your work, and respect it greatly. Kudos for you for following your heart.


On Aug 5, 2011, at 11:12 AM, Doug Hutchison wrote:

we want money

On Aug 5, 2011 at 11:15 AM, Jeremy Baumhower wrote:

I understand. Thought we could help Courtney’s career by putting her music first. If you have a change of heart… please do not hesitate to call or email.


Oh, thank God for these two. Now that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are broke nobodies who can no longer afford to be annoying famewhores, I really needed to fill the void of “creepy vaguely pedophilic man and useless herp-infested fuckdoll who should not have gotten married but did anyway,” and holy shit, have they delivered! And the best part is, they have even LESS self-awareness than the original model! Seriously, between Doug’s flat-out refusal to admit that marrying a sixteen-year-old who looks like a burn-victim-turned-stripper is creepy as hell, and Courtney’s constantly looking like she’s having an orgasm and taking a giant shit at the same time, it’s like Christmas and my birthday and Hanukkah all at the same time, and I LOVE IT.

Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.