Justin Bieber sounds intelligent!

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber is on the cover of the new issue of Rolling Stone, where he’s being touted as “HOT”, “READY” and “LEGAL”, because when they did the same thing with Lindsay Lohan, it ended super well. And like Lindsay, Justin sounds like he’s transitioning into adulthood with maturity and humility, rather than acting like a pompous, entitled idiot all you haters figured he would turn into, as can be clearly seen from this list of things Bieber reveals about himself. Via Entertainment Weekly:

1. Bieber has his initials, “J.B.,” spelled out in crystal studs on the dashboard of his Range Rover.

2. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t have to pay for gas when he’s in Canada because “I’m actually part Indian. I think Inuit or something? I’m enough percent that in Canada I can get free gas.”

3. He still has the red heart-shaped 3D glasses he snagged from the premiere of Katy Perry’s concert doc Part of Me.

4. He ate Frosted Flakes for breakfast and a Big Mac with an Oreo McFlurry for lunch in the same day.

5. Bieber seems to prefer Jay Leno over David Letterman: “Such a nice guy,” he said of Leno on the day of his most recent Tonight Show appearance. “Last time, he brought my mom flowers. Letterman doesn’t do that.”

6. As the lyrics to “Boyfriend” suggest, Bieber has had fondue before — “not the cheese kind,” he says, but the “chocolate kind with, like, strawberries and stuff.” Says Bieber, “Who eats the cheese kind unless you’re old and from Paris?”

7. Heknows all about the nickname that his fans have given his genital area: “It’s Jerry.”

8. He used to fall asleep to Metallica’s “Fade to Black.”

9. While he feels like he carries himself “in a more manly way” than before, when he was a boy, the 18-year-old still marvels at his maturity. “I could have a child right now. That’s nuts.” (His parents were both 18 when Bieber was born.)

10. He is an attentive boyfriend: “I make sure to do the little things, like noticing when they get their hair done or when they change their nail color. Also saying things all the time — like, ‘You’re very pretty,’ ‘You’re gorgeous,’ things like that.”

11. When Bieber met with President Obama in the White House last Christmas, he greeted him with, “What up, my dude!” instead of the standard “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. President.” Obama returned the love by replying, “What up, Biebs!”

I like how Justin doesn’t even know what aboriginal tribe he belongs to, just that he can use it to get a discount on gas. I also like the way he refers to his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, as “they”. As in she’s just one of many of Justin’s concubines, and he is but a Dionysian pleasure-worshiper who doodles penises on everything and has an at best tenuous grasp of European culture.

Justin Bieber

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.