Please just set yourselves on fire already!

Because absolutely goddamn nothing happened today and making fun of these two assholes fills me with the sort of glee not known to man, Heidi Montag and Flesh-Colured Pedo-Beard (who now that I think about it really needs a new nickname) roasted marshmallows over a fire they made using Heidi’s voided fake-divorce papers. The long national nightmare is finally back on.

Heidi tells TMZ she was waiting for Spencer to make her his top priority: “All I ever wanted was to know that Spencer loved me more than he loved all this other nonsense.” For his part, Spencer tells us, “Through everything it’s been Heidi’s love that kept me grounded. Realizing my behavior was pushing her away was a terrifying wake-up call. I’ve still got a long way to go to repair the trust, but I hope with continued self improvement, our relationship will be stronger than ever.” SOURCE

Now, some would probably wonder why I continue to give these two assholes publicity despite the fact that I regularly ask them to fade into obscurity. Well, fact of the matter is these two won’t go away until the day Spencer finally snaps and we have our first celebrity murder-suicide. Or … you know, if these two assholes just happened to be pushed into that fire they’re sitting around. Wait, is Heidi actually melting?

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.