Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are official!

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn

You know, there’s a reason I try to write all my gossip first thing in the morning before I eat anything: It’s a safety precaution against accidentally happening across anything super gross and barfing. Case in point, it turns out that Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are, in fact, dating, which means I get the pleasure of being forced to think about Sean’s saggy, wrinkled, old-man crotch. You see the kind of shit I have to put up with for you guys? I deserve hazard pay here.

“Scarlett is Jim Toth’s client, but no one, including the bride [Reese Witherspoon], knew she would have turned up with Sean Penn,” a friend of Scarlett’s tells me. “Turning up at a wedding with your boyfriend is definitely a huge statement, especially that wedding. What it’s doing is announcing to the whole of Hollywood that they are serious.”

“Scarlett is head over heals in love with Sean,” a friend of the actress tells me. “She normally tries to hide away from public attention, but when she’s with Sean she doesn’t care.” SOURCE

Look, I’m not saying that Scarlett has completely lost her friggin’ mind here, but she’s gone from banging Ryan Reynolds, the specimen of physical male perfection, to banging Sean Penn, who I swear to God looks exactly like the lovechild of Mickey Rourke and Mister Burns. Yes, the guy is a great actor and a tireless fighter for people’s rights, but that doesn’t mean he can just park his droopy, old-man balls on my chin.

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.