Tyra Banks wrote a book!

Tyra Banks

… Well actually, that headline isn’t really accurate, especially since Tyra Banks writes books the way Freddy Krueger babysits kids. Aaaaaanyway, Our Lady of Perpetual Smizing took a break from jabbing pins into a voodoo doll of Naomi Campbell (I’m taking Raja‘s interpretation of her as gospel) to write a book because being on reality TV means you’re qualified to take a dump on the decaying corpse that is western literature. SPOILER ALERT: It’s basically Pokemon, only instead of colorful electric woodland creatures, they fight using emaciated famewhore teens.

[…] Riiiip. A girl stepped on the train of a walker a few feet from Tookie and tore the fabric right off the dress. Both girls fell forward into a heap. The walkers behind them stepped over their bodies and continued.

Crash. The De La Créme white and cream blow-up tent went down as two brawling girls entered it. Oof. A girl who looked as if she had never walked in heels before stumbled, breaking the tips of both stilettos. Two girls got into a fight at the end of their makeshift catwalk, rolling to the ground. “Kenya, use the Gyaku Zuki move!” her mother screamed. “Reverse- punch the hairy hag! But watch your hair, sweetie!”

Tookie wheeled around. The hairy hag was Abigail Goode, sideburns in full glory, faint mustache above her upper lip, unshaven leg hair coating her calves, underarm hair swaying in the wind, and a DOWN WITH RAZORS! picket sign still in her hands. The girl she was fighting with tried out a karate move on her, but Abigail expertly evaded her blow. […] SOURCE

See what I mean? Throw in an un-ending subtext about the power of friendship and a handful of childhood strobe light induced seizures and I’m pretty sure Nintendo would be milking this cash cow for all it’s worth.

Nintendo Exec: It seems that Pokemon: Teal and Chamois are selling through the roof. How can we build on this?
Nintendo CEO: Kids love whores right?
Nintendo Exec: Of course, I have one in my office now. Timmy’s gonna have the best 8th birthday party ever …
Nintendo CEO: Well what if instead of making animals fight each other, we make WHORES fight each other?
Nintendo CEO: I’m gonna go buy 12 yachts and name them all the S.S. Slut Punch.

Tyra Banks

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.