Johnny Depp fall down go boom!

Johnny Depp

So after last week’s little “being rich and beloved despite doing less work than most people equals rape” comments, Johnny Depp ended up getting followed by some paparazzi in Hollywood, which must have really sucked because he left his rape whistle at home. (This is why I keep mine attached to my house keys.) Anyway, some guy who I assume to be in Johnny’s entourage decided to protect him from the evil, evil cameras by bear hugging him into the fucking sidewalk, and now we can all share a laugh because HA! Rich people go splat! Priceless. Via TMZ:

Depp seemed a little woozy as he left a fancy gastropub called 25 Degrees … and while his friend tried to escort the actor to a waiting SUV, they both crashed hard to the pavement. Johnny got up … and eventually made it to the car, where he flashed some kind of random salute to the paps … apparently meaning he was okay.

To be fair, maybe this wouldn’t have happened if Depp had a little more meat on his bones and wasn’t so skinny that a slight breeze would knock him on his ass. Or maybe if he stopped wearing like fifty bajillion scarves when he goes out. Either one of those. Although you just know that while he was down, all he could think was “oh no! This is exactly what rape feels like! I know because I saw it reenacted in movies which are just like real life! EEEEEEEK!”

Johnny Depp

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.