OMG, they killed Bieber! You bastards!

Bad news, teenage girls/adult women who don’t understand how statutory rape works: Justin Bieber was murdered horribly last night … by Eric Cartman and Cthulhu on an episode of South Park. Okay, so it was actually just a cartoon sequence with no real bearing on real life, but can’t we all just imagine a world where Bieber had just stayed up in the middle of Nowhere, Ontario? A guy can dream, can’t he?

In an turn of events sure to cause heartbreak/celebration across the country, South Park brutally murdered Justin Bieber last night. In the guise of his superhero alter-ego The Coon, Eric Cartman took it upon himself to rid the country of evil, vanquishing all that he felt was vile and unseemly. For unexplained reasons, he decided that Justin Bieber was a necessary villain to be taken out. SOURCE

I know some of you are saying that Justin is just a sixteen-year-old kid, and it’s mean for myself or anyone to make fun of him, but come on; have you actually listened to that fucking Baby song? It doesn’t even have a chorus! It’s just the word ‘baby’ repeated 18 times with some auto-tuned ‘OHs’ thrown in for good measure. Clearly, he needs to be stopped.

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.