Paris Hilton is officially back on the market!

Paris Hilton and Cy Waits

That is easily the most terrifying thing I have ever written. EVER. Anyway, after some speculation last week, it looks Paris Hilton and Cy Waits are officially over, which means now would be an excellent time for you to invest in a chastity belt or some other caging device for your junk before Paris goes after it. I hear she can smell dick fear. And it is exactly what it sounds like.

“We’re not together anymore,” Hilton said to thunderous applause from the studio audience. “I love him, and we remain really good friends … I just feel like the relationship ran its’ course.” Prior to her revelation, George Lopez played a clip of Hilton’s show in which she and Waits argued in a club, which climaxed with Paris giving Cy a slap that would have made Zsa Zsa Gabor proud. “That’s Paris Hilton going all Tiffany on you!” Lopez joked. SOURCE

Ha ha! Mutual domestic abuse. Hilarious. So basically, this proves my theory that sticking two toxic people into a relationship together really does not cancel out the awfulness of either party. Although it does temporarily distract them from trying to fuck the good, normal people, thereby taking a colossal dump in the gene pool. Seriously, there needs to be some sort of eugenics program designed specifically to keep people like these two assholes from bumping uglies.

Paris Hilton and Cy Waits

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.