Snooki hasn’t had smoosh smoosh in three months!

Who wants to hear about Snooki‘s sex life? What’s that? You’d rather I come to your house and drill a hole in your head than hear about Snooki’s magical leprechaun vagina? Well too bad, it’s either this or an entire day of Lindsay Lohan posts. Anyway, she went on the record to say that she hasn’t had sex in three months, which I’m pretty sure is a lie because Snooki needs dick like I need oxygen and vodka.

Asked about emerging rumors that she’s carrying a little orange bun in the oven, the Snookster protested, “You have to have sex to get pregnant.” Shocked and amazed, the hosts pressed further. Just how long had it been since the party-positive reality TV sensation (born Nicole Polizzi) had known carnal relations? Days? Weeks? The shocking answer: “I couldn’t even tell you…I think it’s been about 90 days.” SOURCE

It’s official: The only thing more terrifying then the idea of Snooki having sex is Snooki being a parent. A parent who must raise another human being. Although to be fair, compared to those assholes on Teen Mom, Snooki would be like Carol Brady, if Carol Brady was three feet tall and had terminal melanoma.

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.