Someone tried to kill Joss Stone with a sword!

Joss Stone

In what I can only conclude to be a desperate attempt to prove that Britain is way more batshit insane about their celebrities than the states (Sorry Beliebers! You’ve just been out-crazied), two men were arrested outside of soul-singer Joss Stone‘s house the other day, and it turns out they were apparently planning on kidnapping her and killing her with swords.

The official statements do not name Stone as the target, but the details all focus on the proximity of the men to Stone’s home in Cullompton, England. The Sun newspaper reports the men had swords, rope and a body bag, as well as maps and aerial photos of Stone’s property.  Police have not confirmed the reports. Stone’s reps say the singer is aware of the situation but would not say if she was at home at the time the men were arrested near her property. SOURCE

Swords. Fucking. Swords. Yes, in jolly old England, people treat celebrities the way they treat giant, fire-breathing dragons, which now that I say it out loud, really isn’t the worst idea in the world.

Villagers: Into your homes everyone! The Paris Hilton has arrived!
Paris: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR! (*Sets everything on fire*)
Villagers: Kill the wicked beast! Cut off it’s head!
(*Villagers hack off her head, cue Final Fantasy victory tune. Villagers gain 250 exp, $500 and Valtrex*)

Joss Stone

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.