Ha, Ha! Spencer Pratt got his ass kicked!

Spencer Pratt

I would like to take this opportunity to thank whichever cosmic entity released this video of Spencer Pratt getting his ass beat in a Jiu-Jitsu competition. God, Jesus, Moses, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Long Cat, Optimus Prime … whichever one of you did this, step forward and I will sacrifice a goat in your honor. Or something. Are goats still worthy sacrifices? Because I think we might be out of virgins down here …

On the film a winded Pratt, then 19, is getting manhandled, pinned, twisted and turned by a more experienced martial artist during the 2004 US Open Jiu-Jitsu in Santa Cruz, Calif. And Pratt, who’s married to Hills castmate Heidi Montag, remembers as if it were yesterday. “It was my first tournament,” explained Pratt, who fancies himself as a tough man. “I was a purple belt, which is the equivalent to a black belt in most martial arts. I, of course, had to go for the purple belt because I thought I was in karate kid or something.” WATCH THE VIDEO

A tough man? Bitch please. The man only has one tough bone in his body. Every night. For a dollar. Spencer Pratt is such a huge pussy, he gargles with Summer’s Eve. Spencer Pratt is such a huge pussy, every time he barfs it’s considered an abortion. Spencer Pratt is such a huge pussy, the only way to shut him up is by jamming a tampon down his throat. Need I go on? I have like a million of these …

Spencer Pratt

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.