Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris’ wedding is off!

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris

Shockingly, the engagement between the 85-year-old womanizing millionaire and the 25-year-old whore fell through yesterday, after it was revealed that Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris called off their upcoming wedding, which was going to take place this upcoming weekend. If I had to guess why, it’s probably because she’s a dumbass gold-digger who didn’t want his octogenarian balls on her chin and he thinks woman are basically all just Fleshjacks that cook. Stop me if I’m too on-the-nose here.

Hugh Hefner has confirmed: he and Crystal Harris will not marry this Saturday as planned. “The wedding is off. Crystal has had a change of heart,” he tweeted on Tuesday. Meanwhile Crystal’s camp claims the decision was mutual. “It’s very sad,” her music manager Michael Blakey told E! News. “It was amicable.” SOURCE

And by ‘amicable’, he means ‘Crystal was banging Doctor Phil’s son behind Hef’s back’, because let’s face it, a downgrade in the nice little windfall she’ll get in marrying the son of a pretend doctor who shouts cutesy down-homisms at white trash teenagers is still worth not having to pretend you like it when a raging misogynist puts his dead, decaying schlong on your forehead. No lie here, I literally just threw up a tiny bit in my mouth writing that.

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris

About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.