Rihanna has three long lost half-siblings!


Like a Japanese businessman’s nipples in an S&M nightclub after paying a dominatrix $50, Rihanna just experienced a huge twist: it turns out, her estranged father was something of a man-slut in his younger day and because of this, he ended up siring two daughters and a son that Rihanna never knew about. Do you think Hallmark makes cards with sad little kittens on them that say “Sorry I’ve been hiding three step-siblings from you! P.S. You’re also adopted. Wuv you!”

The trend-setting S&M singer’s father, Ronald Fenty, fathered three children pior to his marriage, meaning RiRi’s got three half-siblings and two nieces who previously went unaccounted for. They are: half-sisters Kandy, 32, and Samantha, 30; half-brother Jamie, 27; and nieces Brandy, 14, and Crystal, 11. Ronald told the UK Sun he “was a bit on the wild side and something of a ladies’ man back in my early days.” SOURCE

Wait, what? How do you hide three half-siblings? You hide Easter Eggs between the couch cushions. You hide porn in a shoebox marked “Not Porn” in your bookshelf. You hide half a bottle of Smirnoff green apple under the seat of your car when crossing the border because you forgot it was there and only remembered that it was under the seat five miles away from the security checkpoint and I mean really, it tastes like green apple! And you already drank half of it! Like it’s that big a deal. Where was I? Oh yes, you can hide any of those things, but you don’t hide three illegitimate siblings!


About JEREMY FEIST 5002 Articles
Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.